Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Maybe I don't want to live in the moment. Ever consider that?

I worked a long time to live in the moment. I was always living in the future: this or that speedbump doesn't matter; I'll prevail over time, this too shall pass, etc. That's ok sometimes, but bad voodoo if the proverbial bus comes along before you reach the point at which you think you can safely exhale.

So here I am not wanting to live in the moment so much. Mom's in ICU and may or may not die from cancer complications (because cancer itself isn't complicated enough) within the next 48 hours. I have a project due, and am set to leave for a friend's wedding on Thursday. I was already making plans to visit mom at the end of next month, but I don't know if she'll make it. I'm stuck waiting for the next two days to see whether I need to go down there nownownow.

I can't tell if I'm being pragmatic by not going nownownow and waiting to learn more, or just being selfish. I'm doing my best not to flip out, because that's not going to help her, but the water is definitely coming to a boil, and the kettle of emotions will be working up a shrill whistle any minute now.