Sunday, February 2, 2014

Why I'm single.

On OkCupid profiles, they ask "What's the most private thing you're willing to admit?"

One woman answered: "Um, I don't like fabric softener?"

So I wrote her.

Dear Miss: 

I must protest your anti-fabric softener stance in the strongest possible terms. Fabric softener is one of the few areas in which the United States maintains a position of undisputed dominance. Please do not think of me as an unthinking patriot, as I fully support our migrant fabric softener workers as well. I even think of them as fellow countrymen, beating down endless rows of hard-water conditioned apparel with their well-worn softening sticks. They are a proud people, each with their own stories of hardship and hope. 

But I digress. I would ask you to consider your words more carefully in the future. Just because Big Fabric Softener's image is seemingly unassailable, led by the universally-revered Snuggle Bear, we must remain vigilant in our support of this all-too-fragile industry. It should be a source of pride for everyone within our fine nation's borders. 

Yours in truth,